Abby Abby Bo Babby

epilogue

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 17:45:35 GMT

Abby, after being a bench warmer for weeks, started playing in games during her first year at University of North Carolina. By her sophomore year, she was the starting forward. Her senior year, she won ACC player of the year.

Though she found it intimidating at first, Abby majored in Sports Medicine and graduated from UNC after four years of soccer and academics. She spent one spring semester abroad in London.

After college, Abby joined the WUSA Women's Soccer League, playing for the Boston Breakers. While she was there she caught up with an old friend, Alan Gray. Finally able to have a relationship that wouldn't be troubled by distance, they moved in together. Abby travels often with her soccer team, but she and Alan are very happy. After her upcoming soccer season ends, they will be taking a trip to Greece together. She has no idea that Alan will be proposing.

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 15:47:27 GMT

Five days without a game?! No fuckin way!!

I am starting to get pissed. I moved to NC for this? Being an ass on a bench? When we're up by 5 points, PLAY ME! Jesus. I hinted to Coach that I want to actually get in there and do something. I'm good when the pressure is on. At least when I have a chance to prove it to someone.

Well, I'm done telling the girls that I don't want them to pass to the joint to me--even if I got tested, and none of ~~them~~ us ever are, I won't be fuckin playing anyway, so who cares?

Classes are easy, except for the lab. I've got Bio 1, English composition, a Historical Perspectives class on World War II, and International Relations. A whole lotta liberal arts. I need to pick a major, bad.

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 21:49:26 GMT

Crap. Long time no write. A lot happened.

Two days before I left Alan came and dragged me out of my house to go talk. I was pretty pissed at the time, but I am glad that we did. He admitted to acting like a jerk, we both cried, and then we kissed.

Like I needed to complicate things more by kissing him. I don't think either one of us meant to. My head was on his shoulder, and it just kind of happened, then we stopped after one kiss and started climbing trees like we used to. We went out the next day, too, and talked about what our friendship would be like from now on. We decided there was no point in trying a relationship with me in North Carolina and him in Massachussettes, so we held off on making out and had one nice goodbye kiss before we left each other.

It's been crazy since I got here. And I'm totally loving it. We had our first two games this weekend in Topeka, and won them both of course. I did my part by warming the bench. I may as well have sat in the stands, I would have been less frustrated. I don't see the point in ignoring your new people when you have a six point lead. But what the fuck ever. I will find my place on the team. I have another three or four years on it. We had our first home game today, which we won (again without my help), and another on Sunday. Then on 9th, we go to SAN FRANCISCO! FUCK YEAH! If I don't play again, at least I'll be in California not playing, preferably at a bar talking with cute gay boys.

Oh yeah, classes. So far so good, but I haven't started any of my labs yet. I am going to have to miss the first one since I'll be in Florida. I need a major where you can do most of your homework away from campus, so I guess Sports Medicine is out.

((OOC: game schedule is taken from here.))

Abby's cross-country tour

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 09:02:28 GMT

Damn... it looks like this year I'll be going to more places than just North Carolina. We'll be playing games in Kansas, Florida, Maryland, Massachusettes, California, and Texas. That's, like, almost every American cultural food group represented.

Life's about to get real interesting. I leave camp in a few days, and move out almost immediately to start training. I don't have any idea what this team will be like. There will be eight new players, four of us from out of state, though, so I won't be the only one who doesn't know shit about shit.

I need a car so we can take a beach trip and go run around naked for a weekend.

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 20:52:10 GMT

Camp is almost over. I'm sad. But in a month I move to Chapel Hill. I'm happy.

Time to go make the most of the end of camp.

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 22:04:36 GMT

HOLY SHIT. I got a letter from Chapel Hill today. I guess there was in fact a scout watching me a few weeks ago, because they invited me to come play for them--and gave me a full ride.

I can't believe it. UNC is the best team in the USA. Maybe now that I'll be going to a real school, I can study abroad in Manchester like I wanted to before and try to weasel my way onto Man United... or at least shag a few of the players from Man City.

How do I tell Anna and Mom--and Stoneybrook--about this?

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 18:54:10 GMT

Counselor night off. Georgina and other counselors and I smoked a few joints (something I haven't done in a looong time--I stopped when they began random testing on the soccer team last year). Went to a tattoo parlor with the girls and ended up with:

ANOTHER TATTOO!!

I love it.

So much for a Jewish burial.

Where are all the men in my life? How did I lose my dad, and Alan, and Sam, the only three guys who were really important to me? All of my friends used to be male, but those men were like my other half. It's been a long time since I've even seen a penis. At least I have a vibrator.

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 20:32:55 GMT

Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is camp is still really fun. Georgina and I have been hanging out a lot and are actually getting kind of close. Anna came up to surprise me at camp last weekend. And I get to play every day, so my legs look awesome right now.

But I'm also really disappointed. Georgina, apparently, was watched at some point during the summer, because got word from Santa Clara that they want her to go play soccer there. If she heard from them already, I'm guessing that means that I won't. I know it's stupid to get so attached to an idea that is so far fetched, but I really don't feel like going back to Stoneybrook.

Oh well, whatever. I'm still happier than I've been in a long time. I guess part of it is the medication, but a lot of it is because my life is so different now. I don't feel sad for no reason all the time now.

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 05:54:42 GMT

WOW. What a week. I love being here.

So guess what? A scout from UNC showed up at camp. I just about shit my pants when I found out. I didn't know anything about them coming, or who they were, but after our second scrimmage (this one was counselors against campers) I heard that they were looking for recruits. I don't know if they were even looking at me, though; they may have just been checking out the kids. But, if I end up hearing from UNC, I think I'd go.

So, the food sucks, but the weather is great, the kids are great, the scouts are great (I hope). Hopefully Anna will get up here soon. I need to email her.

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 14:21:05 GMT

The first day of camp was great. An old soccer friend of mine from camp is also a counselor there. That was a shock... I haven't seen Georgina in years, and suddenly we're the two girls' assistant soccer coaches there, after meeting on that same field a few years ago. Georgina is awesome and we clicked again right away. That girl is a lot like I used to be--funny and self-confident. There are also a few kids I used to babysit for here. They aren't in the soccer program, and I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet but it's still good to know they are around.

Practice today was awesome. The kids were so into it. The ones that end up here are the ones that really love it and want to improve more than anything. They don't even seem to mind doing the drills, which can be kind of a drag sometimes. I hope they keep up that enthusiam when we start busting their balls and when we start preventing them from making out with each other all the time... that's part of what camp is all about, I suppose.

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 06:14:46 GMT

I'm on the Greyhound up to Vermont. There is no experience quite like taking a Greyhound bus. The guy next to me has the worst smelling feet I've ever had the fortune to come in close proximity to, and I'm an athlete.

Stoneybrook is too overwhelming right now. I need a new life.

I've been thinking about going away for college. The fantasy right now is to go to Chapel Hill or Santa Clara. Those schools have the two best womens soccer teams in the country. Mia Hamm went to UNC. Or maybe I can go find a kids soccer team to coach for longer than just the summer... all i really know is that it's time for me to go.

What if you had a party and nobody came?

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 18:00:10 GMT

Well, that's what happened yesterday. I had a party and almost nobody came. What the hell happened to all of my friendships?

I know the answer to that one already, though... I ignored everyone for a year. I was a bitch to Alan and I lost my best friend. I spent way too much time thinking about Sam, who I haven't seen for months. I'm just now starting to get things back to normal with Anna.

Thank God I leave for camp tomorrow. I am beyond starting to hate it here. I'm sick of my own whining, even.

Tue, 31 May 2005 22:23:29 GMT

I did it. I talked to Anna.

I'm still not sure everything is totally ok. I'm still pissed, but it's time to get over that. It's not worth losing my sister over. It's been a drag and I'm happy that I'm at least on speaking terms with Anna now, and that neither of us burst into tears today.

One of the most immediate problems with depression is that the sense-of-humor well is dipping dry. WHERE DID IT GO? It's one of the many mysteries that probaly has an answer hidden in my afro-hair. Last week I actually found one of my missing earrings in there.

In other news, school is over--I survived my first year--and I think I need to throw a party. The bottom line is, I'm lonely and it's my fault. I want to try and smooth things out a little in Stoneybrook before I leave for two months. It would be nice to have some of my support system back.

Mon, 30 May 2005 21:52:57 GMT

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I went to a headshrinker today. It's done, I did it, I got evaluated. I've been putting this off for years.

The psych nurse thinks that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (Dad), in addition to an anxiety disorder and depression. She gave me some pills to help calm down my anxiety attacks when I need them, and put me on Zoloft. I started taking it today.

I wish it worked instantly.

I guess I just couldn't stand it anymore... I'm glad I made myself do this before I went to camp for the summer. I don't really want to admit it, but that's one more good thing about being in school this year: I got to keep my health insurance.

I was thinking about Alan today. Alan Gray and Sam Thomas... whatever happened to them? I miss my old friends, even Alan. I feel like such a dumbass. I'm whining about feeling lonely when I cut myself off from everyone, including my own sister. I don't know how to pick up these relationships again. Still, I wish someone actually missed me enough to find out if I'm okay, or if I died being eaten by an Altisan like Bridget Jones. Which would probably kill me twice, me being allergic to dogs. Woof.

That does it; I'm going out for a run.

Fri, 27 May 2005 20:46:14 GMT

I had a mini-breakdown tonight. I finally had that talk with Mom that's been a long time coming.

I try to stay positive about things. I don't enjoy sitting around being depressed. Nothing about it is fun. I'm so lonely, though. I miss my friends. I shut them all out this last year because I was so sick of everything in my life. I feel down almost all the time... I've spent so many nights unable to fall asleep because I'm so full of anxiety or feeling like there's no point in waking up in the morning.

At least I'll be out of Stoneybrook soon. Being around kids and playing sports will help me keep my mind off things for a while.

Tue, 24 May 2005 08:50:02 GMT

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Abby Stevenson
-- Birthplace: New York
-- Current Location: Stoneybrook, CT
-- Eye Color: Brown
-- Hair Color: Brown
-- Height: 5'7"
-- Right or Lefty: righty

LAYER TWO:
-- The shoes you wore today: runners
-- Your perfect pizza: four cheese and pesto sauce
-- Goal you'd like to achieve:

LAYER THREE:
-- Your thoughts first waking up: where am I?
-- Your best physical feature: my cheeks
-- Your bedtime: 2 am
-- Your most missed memory: my dad

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: snapple?
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: coffee

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: yes
-- Cuss: fuck yes
-- Sing: often
-- Shower every day: at least once a day
-- Have a crush(es): eh, not really.
-- Do you think you want to go to college: I am in college.
-- Like(d) high school: yes
-- Want to get married: okay
-- Believe in yourself: I used to
-- Get motion sickness: No
-- Think you're attractive: usually
-- Think you're a health freak: nah
-- Get along with your parent(s): do I get along with anybody in my family right now?
-- Like thunderstorms: yes
-- Play an instrument: no

LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: no
-- Smoked: no
-- Done a drug: No
-- Had Sex: no
-- Made Out: no
-- Gone on a date: no
-- Gone to the mall?: Yep
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No.
-- Eaten sushi: no
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: no
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen anything: No

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
-- Been caught "doing something": no
-- Been called a tease: yes
-- Gotten beaten up: no
-- Shoplifted: no
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 30?
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 1--Lisa
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: big attendance, beautiful dress, no screaming, fireworks after.
-- How do you want to die: doin' David Beckham
-- Where do you want to go to college: UNC or Santa Clara, to play soccer
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: a soccer player or coach
-- What country would you most like to visit: Israel

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color: green
-- Best hair color: Dark
-- Short or long hair: on the long end of short
-- Height: Tall
-- Best weight: muscular

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 0
-- Number of CDs that I own: 100
-- Number of piercings: three in each of my ears and my navel
-- Number of tattoos: one
-- Number of times: what?
-- Number of scars on my body: i lost count
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: nothing

is this thing on?

Tue, 24 May 2005 07:59:00 GMT

I know it's been a long time since I updated, but I got really sick the last few months and I'm finally starting to mend. High school was nothing compared to my first semester of college. I figure that if I got stuck doing it I might as well try to do the best I can. It wasn't so bad, really. Being so depressed made it a lot easier to throw myself into work because I needed that distraction. This semester I took a soccer class, too, so I got to play with a real team again. Sort of. Stoneybrook U still isn't all that satisfying.

Somewhere between being on the soccer team and trying to keep good grades up in my classes my body kind of broke down. During practice one day in February, I had a really bad asthma attack and ended up in the hospital. They ran all kinds of tests and found out I had pneumonia. Like allergies and asthma aren't bad enough.

So, I had to quit soccer. That was hard. I hate having to give up something that I love so much. The good news is I will be a counselor at a soccer camp this summer--it's the one I used to go to as a kid. By next spring I should be able to play again.

I had a crazy thought the other day... I may try out for the volleyball team this fall. I've never played on a team, but I know I can do it. I miss sports so much I don't think I can wait until August to start training again.

Anna is back from her first year at Yale now. I haven't really seen her since I have been holed up in my room studying for finals. I don't know what to do about her. I'm still really upset about what happened, but really... Stoneybrook U wasn't as bad as I thought. I actually had a scout come to watch me play once, so that was worth something.

Be careful how you bend me

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 04:37:28 GMT

Ugh, tomorrow is my first day at Stoneybrook U. Thanks for nothing, Anna.

I think Sam is going to give me a ride. At least, he offered in an e-mail. He's been so sweet lately. I feel bad for him because of what he's going through with Stacey. I can't help but wonder a little bit why they're choosing to stay together while Stacey goes off to school. Stacey is gorgeous; she meets a new guy practically everywhere she goes. She's had more boyfriends than I can count. Bah, I guess they are staying together because it's True Luv. Yeah. That's what she would say, I bet!

There I go dissing a friend again. Why am I such a bad friend? Am I a bad friend, or are my friends bad to me? The BSC was such a tight group for so many years, and now everyone is going their separate ways. I've felt strangely close to Mallory recently, and I'm glad of that, because I need friends here in Stoneybrook. I feel so alone most of the time. I just hope I don't corrupt her too much with my baaaaad ways.

Sam is a good friend, too. Liz Phair said "it's harder to be friends than lovers, and you shouldn't try to mix the two..." Well, we've been lovers, and now we're friends, and I'm damn glad. I am continually amazed at how selfless, kind, and generous he is towards me. Hell, maybe he can help me find someone new to hook up with. Actually, the thought amuses me. I'm looking for a new love (heh), and I wonder how he would handle that. The Alan thing, eh, well, he's out of the picture now so I am not even going to go there. Sam is the only man in my life these days -- as a friend. A friend, I tell you. A friend with incredibly sexy eyes, and hair, and ... yes, sexy. Although he has been known to fart in bed, but I didn't tell you that!

Journal sweet journal

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 09:30:56 GMT

Oh, my little journal! Long time no write.

The one and only thing I have to report for the last week or so is that I fucking hate Anna. I can't even stand to look at her snotty face. (I actually made a post on the message boards that was a little more eloquent, but I can afford to get straight to the point here since this is my private journal.) Basically, she schemed and plotted and got me signed up for classes at Stoneybrook U. It's a done deal, and Mom says I have to go as long as I'm living here. Oh, what I'd do to be shacked up (with who? ha) right now.

She says she did it because I am throwing my future away. That is a total load of crap. She just doesn't "get" me, which is so silly because WTF is there to get? I pretty much lay it all on the table. All but my bong, that is. I keeps that for meself. Hee. I have a few theories about why she did that. The number one theory (and most likely the truth) is that she is an honest-to-G-d bitch. Number two, she thought she would be too embarrassed to tell her future Yale friends that her very own twin sister is a college drop-out. Though, actually, I guess I wouldn't be a drop-out because I hadn't been yet. But... yeah. Number three is that she just wanted to rub in how she is better than me by forcing me to go to a school she would never considering going to. I mean, come on. She is the one who practically became suicidal when she didn't get into Harvard. All three theories make sense. Hmmmm.

In other news, I really need to get laid. I can't tell you how long it has been. I didn't give up my virginity just so I could embark on a lifelong dry spell. I'm serious, first person who comes along, I am so giving it up. Know anyone who is looking for "a lady on the street and a freak in the bed" (tm Usher? Ludacris? one of them)?

Boy crazy Abby

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 04:36:42 GMT

I notice I've been focusing a lot on the (former) men in my life. Which brings me to the question -- WHY? I of all people should know that I am a whole person without having a boyfriend/love interest/whatever. The phrase "you complete me" means nothing to me. I don't want someone to "complete" me; I want someone to complement me. I need to focus on being the best Abby I can be. Hokey hokey hokey I know, but I am trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps, and sometimes you need to think Deep Thoughts to accomplish that. I think.

I also wonder why I have been thinking about Sam so much lately. Sam. Taken. Dating one of my best friends. Maybe it's the fact that I can at least consider him a friend, and Alan is like this black hole that sucked up my heart. I need to forget about both of them. That's what I need to do. But I can't help feeling a teeny, tiny bit encouraged by the fact that Sam responded to my friendly e-mail. Shut up, Abby. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Playing games

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 02:23:58 GMT

Online Monopoly is like crack for lazy people. I've been staring at it for hours now. I very rarely win. Is it interesting to note that I seem to have traded real life sports for computer games that provide basically no interaction with other human beings? I say basically because you do play with other people, but it's other people who use dorky computer code like "gg" and "nr." If you don't know what those things mean, you don't need to know. It's dork language.

I'm trying to remember all the things I love about soccer and other sports. I love being outside and enjoying the beautiful weather. These days, I can only make observations about the weather as it appears outside of my bedroom window. I loved the competition, but lately I've been afraid of competition in general. I'm tired of getting beaten. Kind of dumb to relate that to soccer since I often win (nope, no modesty here), but I feel like in a way, Alan has beaten me in the "game" of our relationship. He's the one who wins, because he gets to go on with his life, and I sit here with an aching heart.

I also loved pushing my body to its limits, the physical thrill of it all. I never let any of my health problems stop me from kicking ass on the soccer field. Getting fucked up is another way of pushing the envelope with my health. It makes me feel strong in a way to do so much shit and emerge (virtually) unharmed. Also, it numbs everything, which I hate saying, because it makes me a trite character in a Hollywood drama, like that movie with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia where Meg Ryan is hitting the bottle all the time, and then she falls through the glass shower door and realizes she has a problem. Actually, that was a good movie. I almost cried, as much as I would ever let myself cry in front of another person -- which is not at all, if I can help it. The tears came rushing up behind my eyes and gave me a massive headache, though. That's the same as crying to me; it's better, because there's no physical evidence. Rock on.

P.S. It's a twin thing.

Ordinary town

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 04:12:29 GMT

I was taking a walk with my Ipod today... Yes, I finally broke down and got one. As a matter of fact, I crafted that previous sentence just so I could announce it and be all casual about it, but I guess that didn't work. So, I'll just say it: I am the proud new owner of an Ipod mini. I do believe it is my new best friend, which is awesome, because my old best friends, they all seem to hate me right now.

There went my savings. I was thinking about using that money for a deposit on an apartment, but instead I made an impulse purchase. Very mature, Stevenson. Sam, who, by the way, answered my e-mail (quickly, too!), advised that I should wait until I really know what I'm getting into before I take such a big step. He has a point, yeah, but I still think I will be apartment shopping in the next couple of months, at least. I can't stand the tension with Mom these days, and if I got an apartment, that would prove to her that "responsible" and "adult" are two words that I'm at least familiar with. I can't help but thinking it was a tad condescending of Sam to give me that advice... nah, he meant well. It just makes me wonder if he thinks of me as more of a kid sister, someone who needs brotherly advice, than a peer. I hope that's not the case. I think I'm just as mature as Stacey (for example), even though "sophisticated" is the world's favorite adjective when it comes to Stacey. Speaking of Stacey, I need to call her. If I can find a way to reconnect with her before she leaves for school, maybe I won't feel so guilty about getting in touch with Sam. Ah, shut up, Abby! Overthinking again.

I started the entry talking about my walk. I was walking around Stoneybrook and wondering how I fit in here. I am, after all, a Long Island girl at heart. (A New Yorker, just like Stacey! Oh, wait, I didn't say that.) I've always been a shit-disturber, simply because I'm never content to just keep my mouth shut. When something's on my mind, I have to say it. That's why I've always clashed with Kristy (who is still one of my best friends) and, well, a lot of other people. Maybe it's just my personality, though. Anna is as much from Long Island as I am, but she doesn't seem to have these problems. Anna doesn't have a problem with anyone... except me. Damn.

Who is left in this g-d-forsaken town?

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 06:57:12 GMT

With all of the world leaving for college, I wonder who will be left for me to hang out with?

I haven't been seeing much of anyone, anyway. As I mentioned before, Alan is having pretty much nothing to do with me these days. Anna? Busy. And there's that whole barely-talking thing, but whatever. You'd think I would have the BSC girls, but they all seem to be doing their own thing these days. I wonder if anyone is planning some kind of nostalgic slumber party before everyone leaves? I know Pete Black is having a birthday party, but that's not the same.

Tiffany Kilbourne lives right down the street. She likes to party, too, so that's cool. Girl has a wicked sense of humor. I have to say, though, I don't know her all that well. Maybe I'll give her a call one day and see if she wants to hang. Jessi's another one I'd like to get in touch with, if she's not too busy with her dancing and stuff. Hayley Braddock can always talk sports, and that's cool, but I don't think we could ever hang out. I mean, I used to baby-sit her (although you can say the same for Tiffany). And she's a little young. I'd corrupt her.

Speaking of corruption, I think I'm beginning to lose my squeaky-clean image. A few months ago, that would have been fine with me, but now I'm not so sure. I think Mom has been in my bedroom a few times recently, and that's practically unheard of. She's always really respected my privacy in the past. Also, this town can be so traditional, just the fact that I'm bowing out of school could be a problem for some of my BSC clients. Education is important around here; it may be cool to be a stay-at-home mom, but you'd better be a stay-at-home mom with a Master's from Smith or Trinity, you know?

Sent an e-mail to Sam tonight. Shit, I was going to ask him not to say anything to Stacey about it. Not that I'm crossing any lines; we are friends, after all. But I didn't want her to know, just because I thought she might take it the wrong way. Miss Litmus Test, I sometimes call her -- way too sensitive. Anyway, "friends" of the opposite gender is a lot of what contributed to my break-up with Sam. Um, why am I pointing that out? When my original point was I am not a relationship-wrecker? Let's pretend I didn't say that. It's cool. Anyway, I hope Sam replies. As I think I've mentioned before, I need all of the friends I can get.

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 01:39:24 GMT

I don't know what the deal is, but I'm not getting any hours at work this week. By "not any," I mean I'm getting, like, ten. That's nothing! And I'm supposed to be saving for an apartment, or something. I guess it's time to look for a new job. This one was only supposed to be for the summer, anyway. I wonder what kind of living I could make baby-sitting. You laugh, but it's true! Practically everybody is going off to college in a few weeks, and the remaining members will be at school during the daytime. Mrs. Newton and some of the other stay-at-home moms in Stoneybrook (that's like, almost the whole town) could probably use some relief in the mornings or whenever. I'm a motherfuckin' baby-sittin' machine. Mental note to ask around, determine if there is really a need for such a service. Where's Kristy when I need her?

More baby-sitting means less fun-having. Not that baby-sitting isn't its own kind of fun, but I showed up at the Perkins's looking like death warmed over one Saturday morning a couple of weeks ago, and Mrs. Perkins gave me a funny look. In fact, she asked me if I was feeling okay. I said, "Oh, just really tired," which, now that I think about it, is a lame answer, because it's summer. Why would I be tired? I think Mrs. P knows what kind of stuff I've been up to recently, because she stuck around the house so long she almost made herself late for her DAR meeting, and she rushed right home afterwards, even though on the phone she'd said something about back-to-school shopping at Town Center in Stamford after the meeting. I know it sounds like I really screwed up, but seriously, it was no big deal. I was just a little hungover. I'd never do anything illicit around the kids, although I can think of several substances that might take the edge off of the high-pitched screams that are pervasive in the Barrett-Dewitt household. Back to the Perkins thing, it's really starting to piss me off. You know, what I really need is one more person in this world judging me. Thanks, Mrs. Perkins! Fuck you, too.

Do I sound a bit paranoid? That's probably because I am a bit paranoid.

Not a lot of action on the male front these days. I guess the thing with Alan finally fizzled out completely, which is really disappointing, because we really had chemistry. I don't even mean sexual chemistry; that too, of course, but I just think we made a great pair. I'd settle for being a fuck buddy or even a platonic friend if he would just talk to me the way he used to, or bullshit with me all night long, or build a fort in the woods... Did I ever mention we built a fort in the woods once? Yeah. It was even cooler than it sounds.

Outta here.

At least I won't be gaining the freshman fifteen...

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 02:16:25 GMT

So, I’m not so sure about this college thing.

In case you haven’t noticed, it is now August. You can’t even walk into Washington Mall without noticing all of the “back to school” paraphernalia in each and every store. My friends are moving into dorms, buying extra-long twin sheets (for dorm beds), the whole nine yards. Me? I’m undecided. Not about my major, but about whether or not I’ll even go to college.

I take that back. Actually, I am decided. I mentioned a while back that I was thinking of taking a year off and staying in Stoneybrook, and it looks like that’s what I’m going to do. In case you’re wondering, I did end up submitting a few applications in the spring, and I was accepted to a couple of my top choice schools (including the infamous Newbury, destination of Alan Gray), but as I was sitting there, looking at all the course books and housing applications, I realized something important. When I saw the pictures of the kids in those glossy brochures, I didn’t see myself.

I just can’t picture myself strolling through some grassy quad with a backpack slung ever-so-casually over my shoulder. I’ve been doing the school thing for thirteen years now; while I’d have to be crazy to think I could get through life without ever getting a college degree, I think the academic world can wait one more year for Abigail Stevenson.

Since there’s not even a local soccer league in Stoneybrook, and I don’t have reliable transportation to Stamford, I guess that means I’m taking a break from soccer, too. That is, unless the SHS team accepts alumni (alumnae? alumnus? whatever), HAR. Taking a break from soccer at this point in my life is a big deal. I could be saying bye-bye to my future as a professional athlete, and surprisingly enough, I don’t even care. Is that so wrong?